A Personal Message from Russ Parkes

First, I would like to thank you all for praying for me and supporting me through the most challenging period of my life. Together we are part of a wonderful church. For some months I have been unable to function because of a breakdown, in my case burnout followed by depression. I am still receiving treatment for these things. BUT I am now feeling much better and am on the road to recovery although I am not yet able to say when I will return to work. I would also like to thank you for the love and support that Maggie and I have received during this time: it has been invaluable to us and we deeply appreciate the many expressions of love that we have received. Thank you!

Sometimes life forces us to see ourselves in a new way. This is what has happened to me over the last seven months. I've met myself in the hands of the potter, reshaping me and fashioning me. I've not liked what I have seen or experienced at times but God has spoken to me in ways that I could never have heard if I had not been forced to stop. Last summer, I prayed “Lord take me to the next level and if it means I need to be broken then go ahead.” I do not know whether my recent experiences are part of a specific answer to that prayer, only time will tell. But I do know that God has spoken and continues to speak. Here are three things that I have learned:

God keeps me. Isn't it easy for us to think that our life with God is down to my effort - making sure that I pray, I read his word and I remain obedient to the life he has challenged me to follow? I have discovered, or rediscovered, that God keeps me. During the most difficult times when I did not have the strength to hang onto the Lord, I found he held on to me. I am kept by the love of God. That's quite a revelation. This realisation helped me to see that the thing I needed to do was to rest in his presence. I did not need to try harder.

My spirit does not get sick. My spirit is not sick though my mind, emotions and body have been. At times I could not think, feel or construct any order to my days. For some while I could not see my way out of the situation. Everything that I had depended on all my adult life was suddenly no longer available to me. I could not face people (the phone is still not easy), I was paralysed by emotional insecurity, needing hugs from Maggie many times during a day. I could not lead myself. My thoughts were black, I could not sleep at night, I could not stay awake by day, I became deeply troubled by stray thoughts and drained by everyday decisions. And yet, I could tell that deep down, the redeemed me, my human spirit within me, was still united with Christ and that there was another chapter that would follow – despite the emotional, mental and physical turmoil going on in my being. My spirit does not get sick, it does not age and now united with Christ is eternal. Isn't that wonderful?

I lead from who I am not what I do. I know that I am loved by God; I know that I am his son and that he is my Father. I know that that insight has made me who I am. Yet, I am also someone whose gifts and abilities are always looking to what can be achieved with the resources we have or even, that we may not have. I like the big picture to come first, to design systems and structures that administer the work of the Spirit in his church. I like to achieve by casting vision, making plans, assembling pieces, ticking boxes, organising the troops. And I love people too, drawing out their potential helping them to see what they already have and helping them see what needs to be grown and nurtured. So, doing is very important to me. I can't just sit and be – my being has to go somewhere. Here is the root of my torment. On the one hand I know that there is nothing that I can do to make God love me more and there is nothing I can do that will make him love me less. But he has gifted me to see, construct and build. And yet, when all is said and done I am defined by the way God has fashioned me and I am secure in the relationship I have with Jesus, one of love. I am loved by God for who I am not for what I might do even if that is a God-given gift or ability.

And finally...What do you make of all this? I feel that my relationship with God has grown in ways that I might not have experienced if I had not gone through these experiences. Did God cause the sickness? No, absolutely not. But God is not reluctant to use my adversity for his greater purposes; sometimes ones I do not not have a theology for. He does not need my theological understanding or approval for what he might do in my life but I am assured that he will always act in ways to get me through to a new place in him and he always acts in ways consistent with his love for me. All I know is that God has a great future for us as a church and we will see the fulfilment of many of the desires of our hearts as we walk with him.

Partner article: Hope For The Burnt-out